Follow Your Desires and Never Depart

In 1970 the church came out with a new program for the girls in the MIA (Mutual Improvement Association). At the beginning of the year each of us girls received a Personal Achievement Journal. It was a special place to write down the things of our hearts and for setting goals... not just for today, but tomorrow and the years to come. It was a journal designed to help shape our eternal destination.

I was twelve years old at the time, and would turn 13 in a few weeks. I was a Beehive and very excited to write in my journal. My first Personal Achievement Journal had a section entitled "Daydreaming about my future and my eternal growth..." 

This section would shape the goals that I yearned for as a young woman. 

1. I want my wedding to be.... shared with my Father in Heaven in His house, the temple. I want it to be peaceful and spiritual.

2. I want my husband to be... a returned missionary. He will be diligent in work, understanding, honest, and cheerful. A man that will always love me.

3. I want my children to be... like me. I will always try to teach them everything I know. I would like two strong boys and three beautiful girls.

5. Living worthy of a temple marriage can bring the following blessings into my life: Living an eternal life with my family in the presence of my Father in Heaven.

With each consecutive year, until the age of sixteen, there was a section asking similar questions about my goals for the future and what I wanted it to look like. And each year, my desires were the same. To be married in the temple to a righteous priesthood holder and raise a family in the gospel. 

This is very difficult to write about....

I let my dreams be dreams only on paper. I did not follow the innermost yearnings of my heart. I allowed a young man, who was not worthy of a temple marriage, influence my ideals... and my ideals soon became more his ideals, and I did not keep the faith. I made the decision to follow a different path... one that would ultimately bring me heartache and grief. 

I am ashamed. But it is my prayer that in writing about this I can influence, even if only one of my grandchildren, to choose the right path and to never... ever depart from it.

I received my patriarchal blessing when I was about 14 years old. I had many wonderful promises given me, all dependent upon my faithfulness. I was told I would have the opportunity to go the the house of the Lord and be married and sealed for time and for all eternity to one of the faithful sons of our Heavenly Father. I would rejoice with him and become a mother in Israel in bringing choice spirits to the earth to guide and direct their activities and they would be obedient to my teachings and that I would live long upon the earth, as long as life is desirable.  

With that came a warning to be careful in my dating years, to date those young men with high ideals and who are members of the church and hold and honor the Priesthood of God. And if I did I would rejoice through out my life because of these things. I was admonished to support and uphold my future husband in his priesthood assignments and responsibilities to the fullest extent and that we would live a happy life here upon the earth together and rejoice in our posterity.

My soul has often been hacked with pain and anguish over this. To think of the promised blessings I forfeited. And to think of the consequences that have come upon me and my household because of my choices.

I know, without a doubt, that I received that warning because Father In Heaven knew my heart and what choice I would make. But I do know, without doubt, that He loves me... choices and all. I made my life difficult when it didn't need to be. I remember praying to Father In Heaven when I was a teenager, asking for His approval to marry Greg. I saw potential in him and I saw good things. I thought I was in love. I really did. I never really received an answer, or maybe I did. I never really felt like He approved, but I never felt like He didn't. Maybe He knew I would not listen. I didn't listen to my parents here on earth.. why would I listen to Him. I am anguished when I think that I did not trust the Lord. How foolish I was!

When I think of my life and how hard it has been on myself and my children, I am heartbroken. I don't know life any other way because I did not choose it. But I know that the Plan of Happiness is for all His children and that He will make all things right through our faithfulness. Mistakes and all. He waits patiently for us to return to Him. He welcomes us home with loving and outstretched arms when we repent and prove our faithfulness. 

I have never wanted to do bad things... not ever! I have only ever wanted to be good and to what's right. I have a weakness. I see the world through rose-colored glasses. I am an optimist through and through. My faith is simple. I see potential in everyone and in all things. Potential! I see potential in people I love, and that included Greg. I see potential in things, like old houses turned into beautiful places to live. I don't know if that is what cursed me, but I saw potential in Greg and I truly believed he would rise to that potential. Could I have possibly seen what the Lord saw in him? I loved him. He could have been great. He really could have. We went to the temple as soon as we could. We had our first baby girl sealed to us and all those special spirits that followed were born in the covenant. I can't tell you how happy I was during those early years of our marriage. The potential I saw in "my knight in shining armour" was coming through. We had been sealed in the temple and our family was eternal.

But you can't decide what other's will choose to do. You can't take away their agency. I know the Lord loves Greg as much as He loves any of His other children. I know things will be made right. I have had witnesses of that promise. All will be well... all well. The Lord knows what that will be and I trust in His promises. 

In spite of the hard journey in life, I know I have grown in ways that I probably never would have otherwise. I have turned my life completely to the Lord. I love Him with all my heart and I know His ways are perfect. My testimony and faith have increased through trials and afflictions. I have a family that I love with all my heart and am so thankful for each spirit that came to bless my life. They came to me because we were a family in heaven first. I do not know the meaning of all the trials and experiences we have had in this life, but I know they have been given for our good. I trust in His plan and know it will lead us all back home... Home to Him.

I departed from my youthful desires, but those same youthful desires are very much a part of my life today. And they will never, ever depart. I have been sealed in the temple. I have those promised blessings awaiting me. The Lord loves me and wants to bless me and my family. I will continue to look at the world and the eternities through rose-colored glasses! Why would I not!